Trauma and distractions

New year, new you. Not applicable to this situation I’m afraid. Plus, what a bumpy start to 2021 already. The energy is grey. Shutdowns, stay at home orders, CNN non stop, cold weather. It adds to the already emotional low. It feels like we will never come through this. It does not any get easier. It feels like we are moving through sand. We need to keep Ryan’s spirit and memory alive. Talk about him, look at his things, look at his photos but it is so hard. He’s on my mind every minute of the day. Sometimes we actually are afraid to look at a family picture. It just hurts so much that he was there at that fun moment but now he isn’t. You are automatically brought to that day that photo was taken, remember the event, hear the sounds, feel the time. There’s a scene in the movie Back to the future (a big fave in our family) where Marty’s siblings start to fade out from the photo he is carrying as the past is possibly being rewritten for their existence. When I walk by a family photo in our house, I sometimes feel like that. Like Ryan is fading away. I have to force myself to look and acknowledge that he was very much here, all memories of the 11 plus years we had him with us. I try to recall him in person, what he would be doing right now, what he was doing before. The way his voice sounded. When he was here.

Losing our child the way we did obviously traumatized us. The drama of that night still leads to terrible thoughts and visions. I knew immediately that it was going to be a rough road when we learned Ryan had passed away. I was so fixated on setting up grief counselling that I missed the trauma part. Trauma and grief are not the same. We have to learn how to cope with that before we can even deal with the grief. Trauma is immobilizing, angst, anxiety ridden, painful, despair, absent mindedness, unexpected and so much more. We are working on it but it’s a process.

In the meantime, life is still happening. I know many of you are wondering what we are doing. And it’s normal. How long does it take to get back on your feet? To go to work? To start projects? There’s no real answer in that. We get out of bed each day and get on with things. I resigned from my optical sales role. I could not go back to that work, the level of investment and travel was more than I could handle right now. We just take it day by day, and we are able to do so. We still have to take care of Aidan. Be responsible. Take care of my Mum. We walk the dog. We get coffee. Hang out together. Run errands. Grieve. Think. Work out. Self care. Cook. Housework. Pay the bills. Just be sometimes.

I want to carry on. I can still grieve but still pursue goals. Not everyone has that same will. Or it’s at different pace for everyone. People sometimes say that they are pleased to see us getting out or doing things. Shutting myself in and being idle is not my speed. I am trying my best to turn to the things and interests that give me joy. I went back to my role at our gym which makes me very happy. I am reading, learning, and even became a certified Nutrition coach. I don’t know how I was able to separate the sadness to be able to concentrate but this was a source of motivation for me. A shift in focus. The art of distraction. Outlets.

Erik and I seem to have better days when we are occupied. I am working my way through feelings of guilt when I do become immersed in something that is not about Ryan. But guilt can play tricks on you. I have to be aware that I still have worth and value. We are also cautiously aware that down time can sometimes lead you down a dark path so trying to focus on our health is top of mind. We also are learning to live with each other in a different way because our family dynamic is so altered now. One less dependent person here has a glaring void. You don’t realize how much time we commit and invest in others. Until they are not there anymore.

Interestingly, all 3 of us seemed to have ignited a new found creativity in some form in light of Ryan’s passing. I started writing. I didn’t foresee it being a blog but every time my brain relaxes, I am flooded with thoughts that I just need flow out onto the keyboard. Aidan has become very tactile with his crafting and creating art pieces out of cardboard and glue. Like really incredible models and pieces. As well, he wrote a script to a board game he created and has been drawing and painting. Erik has the inclination to want to draw, a talent that he excels at. We pride our selves in the strong creative bonds that run deep in our family, including Ryan, who was a budding artist. He really wanted to follow Aidan’s footsteps and go to an art high school. I know that would have happened, he was talented at drawing from a very young age. We are so proud of our children’s artistic gifts. Creativity has turned into an outlet for us. This is a positive in such a dark situation. Maybe it’s a coping skill or a heightened ability?

I wish we could travel. I wish we could have hit a beach for a few weeks over the Christmas break. I long to get out of this house for a change of scenery. Sometimes I even contemplate that we move. Start over fresh somewhere. But that will not ease the pain. None of those things will make this better. You don’t run away from this. And that’s why distractions are helpful. A temporary break in our reality. It’s how we use them to heal and exist without Ryan.

Many of you have encouraged my writing, that you are learning about Ryan and our process in grieving him. I will keep writing. I will keep evolving and healing. I will keep on doing whatever I can to keep Ryan’s memories alive. I have much to share about him. Ryan was an interesting and really funny child. I still cant believe he is gone as I type the word ‘was’.

More on Ryan in my next piece.

Ryan with the Dolorean from Back to the future

Our first trip to Jamaica