The power of girlfriends and Sick Kids

I don’t know about you but isn’t weird how you are so familiar with a place from the past that you could never imagine that you would be tied back to it many years later in some way? Like if you could see yourself in the future from that spot for something entirely different? The universe is an interesting force. What I am getting at is how Victoria Park Collegiate, the place Ryan died, has been a part of my life in so many ways. I walked past it today with the dog and I thought, I am always going to look at that school with the same thought and shiver. Looking at the highest part of the structure, thinking my thoughts. No longer the history I remember it for. Victoria Park, or VP high school, is my home high school. I never went there although 75% of my graduating Grade 8 class did. My brother went there, my husband went there and was on the football team. Many of my closest friends went there, I went to volleyball tournaments there, famous high school dances, snuck in to see my friends at school, and later on, took both of our kids there for swimming lessons. Never did I think I would encounter it again in life like that.

When I pulled up to the parking lot that night looking for Ryan, I had encountered a Mother's worst nightmare. All the typical emergency scene details. Dark. I happened upon a firefighter and asked if this was about a group of boys on the roof. He told me yes and asked if ‘I was the Mother’. The feeling in my legs of sheer panic and nausea will never leave me. The moments in time were like molasses from when I called my husband to just get there, my girlfriend who ran from her house (with hair colour on her hair and her 10 year old running behind her) and the police and first responders just telling us to wait at the car for further instructions.

Ryan had been rushed to Sick Kids hospital via an emergency run. By the time I had arrived, Ryan was on his way there. He passed away when he fell, he arrived at Sick Kids with no vital signs and they did everything they could to save him. God love the people who tried, at VP, in the ambulance and at the hospital. The reason why I tell you this is because anyone who has children in Canada, knows that this is where you want your child to be in any scenario. Although I flinched when that firefighter told me that's where Ryan had gone. Sick kids hospital is serious. When it was our turn to finally go, we clambered into the back of a police SUV, onto hard plastic seats and held on as we were driven down the DVP with the flashing lights going there not knowing what we was waiting at the other end. Was it a concussion? Paralysis? Major brain damage? Two broken legs? Maybe, just maybe by miracle, he bounced and was fine? All I could do was cry.

When we arrived, all we wanted to do was run. Run to your child. But no. Covid protocols. We had to go through a Covid screening. The nurse rushed from the station in his Incredibles scrubs to clear us first. You have no recollection that you are in a hospital. Other lives are at risk. Thats not what you are thinking. We had to answer all the questions. No, no, and no. Mask up. And then we were whisked to a small, windowless room with a social worker. I knew it was bad at that very moment. You only get a social worker when there’s going to be rehab or death. Like I have said before, we have had so many hospital experiences, we know the routine.

The Sick Kids experience was relatively fast but by far, the most terrifying and heart breaking. They did what they could. They were kind. I feel for the people who work in the emergency ward and have to endure tragedy every day. Thats a special place. They coached us through all the steps even though we were in shock and a mess. That doctors truthful eye contact. The police that drove us there, stayed with us the whole time. We got to see Ryan. I prayed that it was not going to be him as I entered that warm room where he was. He had no ID, there were 5 kids, it was a possibility it wasn’t? But that was my sweet boy.

When we were there, it was really hard because the room we were in had intermittent cell service. And our phones were losing charge. We were on our phones during the alone times, calling home, our son, my Mum, our closest friends. You are having an out of body experience. Devastation, confusion, logic, order, it’s all messed up. I had to work the next day and I’m thinking, I cant be a no show. I need to tell them I wont be there. I think thats your brain protecting your shock. Why am I thinking about that? All we wanted to do was to get out of that room, get home, figure this out. But waiting. Processes, coroner, police. Is this on the news? Yes. Who was he with? What happened??? Crying. Shitty phone reception.

That's where reality kicked in. When we left Sick Kids. We cried all the way home in the back of that police car. Holding a paper bag with Ryan's belongings. Home. More phone calls. Visitors. Just pure panic and shock. No Ryan.

After a horrific, sleepless night, the following day and the few weeks after is something I will never forget. I don’t know if there was a strategy meeting or group text, but my girlfriends jumped into action in a way that I could never imagine. Everyone had roles. Organically or delegated, there was support, meals, booze, delivery management, crowd control, rides, shopping, dog walks, tears, togetherness, babysitters for their own children so that the could be here, many other things I’ll forget to mention, and more. Friends and family are the back bone of support in times like these but girlfirends, girlfriends go above and beyond. I have many in my life. From as far back as 3 years of age, JK, Grade one, Grade 6, teen years, from my career of 25 years, my gym and so on. These women leapt into crisis action. No one left us alone until it was time to go to their own families, work or to give us a break.

That is the power of strong women. Not only for supporting us but for also coming together in everyone's grief and hurt. Everyone that came here to help and visit was hurting too. Being here was a part of their experience with this. Never underestimate the power of true friendships.

Out of all of this, our immediate circle of friends and friendships has brought us even closer. Same with other social circles. Ryan left a mark on them. This unthinkable but all too real tragedy rocked our inner circle and vibrated through our neighbourhood, schools, and so much more. Mothers and families we don’t even know have shown up here with gifts, food, flowers and cards. We got so many flowers, not enough table space to house the 50 plus bouquets. What do my friends do? Source more vases! Girlfriends give you space, allow you to be ok with your vulnerability, be with you in your daily home routines, bring Kleenex, tell you that you need eye cream, offer to clean your house, allow you to vacuum without judging the need, feed your parents, FaceTime your family, house sit, kick people out, show up when you are so lonely, workout with you, take you shopping, make food and come back with more, spend their money on you and the best, run out of the house with hair colour on their hair to support you in a moment of need. To be fair, to all of our friends, girls and guys, you have totally gone above and beyond these last couple of months in your daily texts, food drop offs, visits, and concern. We couldn't imagine enduring this without the support of you all and having to go it alone like so many do. We love you all.