Psychics, bluejays and helicopters

Here we are now 8 Fridays from when Ryan died. 2 months. It feels longer. The degree that we miss Ryan is deafening. It’s different now. We are finding how this is affecting our lives quite sharply now. Routines are more ‘adult’. It us. 4 adults here. We don’t need to buy 3 bags of milk anymore. We look for things to keep busy. We read. We walk. We see the kids in the park tobogganing and skating which is so hard. Ryan would be out there especially now there’s nothing to do in this lockdown.

I find that I am writing in batches. As the reader, I will continue to write the blog with my expression of feelings and weave in stories, memories and things about Ryan that you never knew. Everything that I write is what I’m collecting in my mind at the time. It ends up piecing together as a post.

Many times during 2020, Ryan would say, “I hate this year”. Every time there was a closure, lockdown extension or cancelled event, he would say it. When he passed away, I was trying to make sense of why, as you do, my brain went to that very statement. Maybe Ryan had had enough and decided to just peace out. Harsh but it would break my heart every time I had to give him bad news. He would say this was the worst year of his life. 2020 started out with him getting a really bad flu, maybe Covid? (pre-pandemic) It was while we were in the Dominican Republic on vacation, then school got cancelled, and he was isolated from his social circle. We had tickets to see Pearl Jam, his first real concert, as a family, that got cancelled. He didn’t see any friends until June. We only had one month at our trailer, his favourite place and then we sold it, which was very disappointing for him. No Wonderland, no CNE, summer time favourites all shutdown. All camps were cancelled so this made for a boring August. No school for September except to start online. He was looking forward to Halloween but trick or treating, a party and tickets to a drive thru haunted house got cancelled. As we were planning his birthday, I had to break it to him that we wouldn’t be able to go to the place he wanted to celebrate, Joyride 150, an indoor BMX park, again due to the pandemic. I felt like all we did was disappoint him with shutdowns. It’s hard to justify why he passed away. I thought it was because he hated the year so much, I was just looking for a reason WHY? Thoughts in my mind also wondered so many reasons. I thought maybe later on in life, things were not going to work out for him some how and that was why he was taken from us. Maybe this accident was going to leave him so compromised that living would be suffering? Or perhaps his pure soul was needed on the other side. I can see why people are adamant about answers

when reasons are not clear around a death. Answers help with closure. When you don't have them, its the equivalent of torture.

I don’t know what compelled me to be drawn to the idea of speaking with a psychic so soon after Ryan died. A beautiful soul that I had consulted with a few times before, popped up in my Instagram feed and I found myself messaging her for a FaceTime meeting. I needed answers. I wanted to hear from Ryan. I knew that Bilinda could help me.

While I won't be sharing the all details of our private conversation, I will say that speaking with her brought me an immense amount of solace. If you have an open mind, believe in the after life as well as other dimensions and previous lives, then consulting someone who can communicate with those who have passed is enlightening. One thing I’ll share that she told me, is that Ryan would present himself in the human life as a bluejay. It’s funny because in our family, we equate signs of cardinals as my father-in-law, robins as my aunt and random dimes you find lying around as my Dad. I believe in the signs that those who have passed present themselves as in our paths from time to time. She told me that Ryan was now in heaven with his grandfather. He transcended quickly and was only surrounded by light and love. He was having fun and had been up on that roof more than once. He was not 'called' to the other side, the date of his death had no significance and that he was having a ball in heaven flying helicopters. More on that in a moment.

There is no significance of blue jays for us other than we had gone to about 3 or 4 Jay games in the last 5 years. He liked it but that was the end of his interest in baseball. I think Ryan just liked going downtown to the Skydome, getting junk food, and enjoyed all the fun stuff that happened at the ball game. I was out walking the dog one day a few weeks back and I heard squawking and screeching. I looked and wouldn’t you know, two bluejays, a cardinal, a robin and a sparrow were all hanging out in tree as we walked by. I stopped dead in my tracks. I feel like the squawking of the bluejays was a calling out to us. There was no one else around. Aren’t all the birds down south by now? So weird. So surreal. I have seen spirit before, I do have an open mind and believe that was my family letting me know that they are all together. He is safe with them.

The helicopters. The night of the accident when I arrived at the school, other than the emergency vehicles, I specifically honed in on the helicopters. There were at least 2 circling above the school. While we were waiting to get going to the hospital with the police, I kept on asking to anyone who would listen why the fuck were there so many helicopters? It was stressing me out. The police tried to convince me it was because it was rush hour but I knew it was the media. Another indicator that this was indeed bad.

Ryan had transportation fascinations from a young age. He loved trains from ages 2-7 and then his passion turned to cars, go karts, and racing up until he passed away. A true ‘gear head’ in the making, Ryan wanted to learn to be a mechanic and then his dream job was to work in the car racing pits. He never got into planes or helicopters so I am unsure of their significance other than they keep popping up is his life ending story. And then to be told he is flying them in the after life is just so epic. There is a current commercial on tv right now for the Sick Kids hospital campaign. They bake a massive cookie and then have to take it to the roof of the hospital to the helipad for it to be picked up by a helicopter. I can barely watch it, too many triggers. Flashing lights, dark, helicopters, Sick kids, it’s just all too much. But the signs are so prevalent, do they really connect and mean something? Or is all just a coincidence? Helicopters in any capacity are now a sight and sound of sadness.

I will conclude that the biggest highlight of 2020 for all of us, was welcoming our sweet, gorgeous, loving puppy, Billy. He came to us in January from the Caribbean island of St. Maarten. It was a surprise for the kids. But for an 11 year old boy, who was spending much time isolated at home, this was a dream come true. Ryan had wanted a dog for so long. I am so grateful that he got to have that experience. He loved his dog immensely. And now we realize how much we need Billy to help ease the pain in the massive hole in our hearts. He found us. He is immediately at our sides in our times of breakdown and emotion.

I often wonder if Billy has figured out that Ryan is gone forever? Sometimes we see kids out on walks that are the same height as Ryan or all dressed in winter clothes, or we will hear them outside, like one them could be Ryan. Billy will stop and stare with his head cocked to the side. Wondering, waiting, hoping.

Instead, we wait on seeing blue jays. Fly high, Ryan.

*Attached are some journal entries Ryan wrote about during the first shutdown wave and I was making my own educational curriculum.