Finding joy in grief

It’s been a minute. I’ve been writing this for sometime. But the focus wasn’t there to finish it.

It’s coming to a shift in our grief, I am told at about this time, that we are in a heightened awareness of our situation. The reality part is how life goes along without Ryan. We’ve come to this point without him. 6 months have gone by. How? Life’s not going back to the way it was. Time is so different now. Routine is no longer. I don’t know what to expect one day to the next on an emotional standpoint. Unexpected triggers conjure up the hardest lump in my throat that I cant swallow.

Learning how to live with grief is now a part of my being. It is the same as learning to live without Ryan. It’s always there. Like a cement wall. In my next blog, I will share what I have learned about grief. It’s both fascinating and frightening.

Easter came and went. We just didn’t have it in us this time around to decorate and cook our usual big turkey dinner. It was too hard. Not this year. We got to the 5 month mark in April. Again, hard. Then Mothers day. The weeks building up to it, I would think of the day and just start to cry. This particular day really shook me. I knew that it was going to be tough so I planned to be off the grid as much as I could. There’s one thing to anticipate how you think you will be and then there’s the reality. Therapy taught me to have a plan, protect yourself to be as much as you can to help with the significance of the day. It’s very hard to be celebrated being a Mother to a living child while grieving the other one. It’s hard to celebrate your own mother and your mother in law when you are all in a state of grief. It’s difficult to applaud your family members and close girl friends who are Mom’s when you know that they are grieving for you. This was the most emotionally charged I have felt around a particular day. I can only hope it will get better with time.

In this particular blog, I am compelled to share some glimmers of light in a very, very bad time. There are thoughtful, meaningful things that have happened in light of Ryan’s death. As time passes and I can reflect on where we have come from, I couldn’t comprehend much of what was going on in the very beginning. These things are a clearer to me now. I am also so grateful. These are things that I will never forget. They are endearing and offer some comfort in light of it all. And by all, I include that life is not easy being in a pandemic. Losing a child with these current circumstances make it so much worse. I miss my family, not having them when you hurt like this is very hard.

We certainly appreciate the cards, flowers, food, alcohol, toys, guidance, prayers and tremendous donations to the GoFund me. As we are still in this lockdown, we will continue to save it for something very special perhaps even a few different things as we have some ideas on this. We also have had also many acts of kindness and generosity with everyday things that have made life a bit more bearable.

In the days after Ryan died, we saw a huge outreach of love and support from Ranchdale Public school. Ryan and Aidan’s elementary school. While Ryan had already been gone for two years and onto his middle school, he spent 8 years there as his daycare was included in the building. He had lots of interactions, trips, events and classes with various teachers. When your older sibling is a part of the same school and the teachers don’t change a whole lot, they really get to know your family. Especially Ryan. We had many advocacy meetings in regards to his learning, some teachers had him for two years (that happened 3 times) and we pleaded for it. They all knew my Mum, Nana, as she was the pick up person after school or in a pinch would go to get him when Ryan was not feeling well and wanted to come home. A few teachers came by the weekend Ryan passed away to pay their respects. One teacher brought flowers with paint brushes in the bouquet knowing Ryan loved art. Another brought Hot wheels cars because she knew Ryan’s love of cars. But it was the entire faculty that showed up on the boulevard outside the house the following week that really touched us. They came on their lunch hour to wish us well and love. That was so moving as they lined up, all of them in front of the house. Incredible. And now we have just learned that a memorial garden will be set up on the school property in Ryan’s gamer name for the end of June. I am eternally grateful that Ryan had these amazing people in his life. I am saddened that we no longer have children in the school system anymore. That is also a new phase of reality for us too.

A friend that I used to run with at the Running Room reached out when he heard what had happened. As the Chancellor at Ontario Tech University, he generously offered to set up a monetary award to be given each year for 25 years to a student who is the first generation in their family to attend university. The university matched his family’s donation. The award is in Ryan’s name and we are completely overwhelmed by this initiative. That friend has also been a very kind, wise and generous confidant to us at this time. After 5 years of not seeing this person, he was really supportive to us where we needed some guidance and clarity.

The support of our friends and family has been nothing short of amazing. Check ins, calls, visits, FaceTime, thoughtful gifts, cards, texts, laughs, tears, honest talks and walks are all things that we are appreciative of. People that I have not spoken to in many years have come forward with condolences and other gestures. People offering to get us groceries. Meals. Errands. Clean our house. Lots of people we speak to are always telling us that they are constantly thinking of us. It means a lot as we realize that Ryan touched them in some way too. And the gravity of the seriousness of what happened is still such a shock for everybody. We see how it affected you too, you are grieving with us and for us. I also include my healthcare providers in this as well, who have been generous with their time and care.

Work. Old job, previous job, current job. All of my work streams have been amazing. My work family of my career of 23 years that ended in 2019, were so supportive and incredibly generous. I am humbled by the amount of people who reached out, donated, dropped off unique gifts and still check in on us. The job I was in when this happened, who didn’t necessarily know me very well, except my co-workers, were compassionate and patient. My co-workers stepped in for me until I decided to part ways with the company.

My current role at the gym surrounds me with a of group of people are very special for many reasons. The coaches covered off my classes while I was off. I particularly appreciated the non-judgement of them for understanding how important movement is to my mental well being. I was so apprehensive to start back with my own fitness because I felt guilty. Was it too soon? You have to know me to understand the importance of this component of my life. Being gently reassured to start back because it might help me feel better from a fellow coach and friend was encouraging. I feel that coming back when I did assisted greatly with coping with my grief. Movement, nutrition and being around like minded, goal driven peers keeps it at bay. Exercise is an outlet to work out emotions, feelings, anger and so much more. Feel good endorphins then slide in which positively restore my mood and clear my mind. My cortisol levels from stress have altered me. I am so grateful for my fit fam. I could only move forward with them because of how gracious and patient they have all been with me. Work is a positive distraction. I love working with people to achieve their goals.

Aidan. As I write this blog, I often wonder if you the reader are curious about him. I do not loop him in too much into this because this serves as my experience with child loss. Aidan is here. He is to be celebrated and I don’t like him having to be dragged through my emotional expressions here. However, he is a huge bright spot for us. He is strong, beautiful, talented, respectful and growing up so quickly. While we worry for him as he is on his own grieving journey, we are so grateful for his humour, maturity, and presence with us. Aidan had a terrible year too. Covid just halted so many things in a milestone year. This was his graduating year from high school and there was no grad and prom, cancelled work, no camp, cancelled driving tests, he sat out a year for post secondary (that was a blessing though) and ended the year with the loss of his brother. Efforts to get his university application sorted out along with having to do one more credit for a pre-req plus a portfolio, he pulled off an acceptance to OCAD U. This shortly after Ryan had passed away. That is strength and joy. We are so happy for him. We know Ryan would be cheering too.

The kids. The sweetest things that we have received are from classmates and friends of Ryan. Pictures, drawings, a magazine, and a 26 page booklet made by each child in Ryan’s class are all things we truly cherish. 2 friends wearing custom made t shirts with one of Ryan’s drawings at his memorial was powerful. I see kids walking by the house sometimes, slowly staring, did they know Ryan? What are they thinking as they go by? Is it my imagination? The day after Ryan passed away, a little girl and her Dad came by with flowers. I saw them come up the steps and I came out to greet them. They did not know Ryan. They were complete strangers paying their respects. I was taken aback. How did they know us? The sadness on the little girls face was pure and while its not joy, the intention and act of coming by was so meaningful and real.

According to Theopedia (I didn’t like the Websters definition) ‘Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope. It is something or someone that provides a source of happiness’.

Trying to find joy in all of this while still being vulnerable in my grief I think has been helpful to the healing process. Not one for being in bed or on the couch all day, I have found that certain things, even the smallest, are what keep

me off a dark path. Getting dressed with intention for the day, exercise and nutrition fuel me, goal setting, self care, laughing, a good sleep routine, dog walks, socializing, being at home and Starbucks all provide joy. Do not confuse though, I would not say that I am joyful. I am not healed. The glimmers of joy just soften the sadness. Thank you for being a part of the journey.

An oldie but a goodie

A page from one of Ryan's classmates memory booklet, things that Ryan liked